Not a bump in the road, more like a DETOUR!

The last time I tried to generate an entry was back in late May.  I was scheduled to start chemo in just over a  week and I was anxious to get started, but feeling VERY hopeful, positive, and optimistic.  I put it off thinking, 'I'll do it later this week.' As you can see that turned into a little over 6 months!

My doctors had advised that this treatment was going to be intense because of the different concerns we were addressing...the cancer, liver disease and thyroid issues. But nonetheless, I was my happy go lucky, all will be well self. After having had the challenges of surgery in January and radiation in April, I thought that things couldn't really get any worse. 

My plan was to begin treatment and continue with life as usual. I am a mother of 2, wife, we have pets, I am a runner, I am a sister, a daughter, a friend. I work full time at a position that requires me to drive often and make home visits, I didn't have plans to put my life on hold. I was eager to get started with treatment.  In my opinion the sooner we started, the sooner we'd get it over with. But sometimes life has plans of its own...

The past six months have been like no other time in my life.  The physical and emotional challenges that my family and I have been through can only be understood by those who have experienced similar situations. At times I think back and cant' believe what we have been able to endure. Although, we still have quite a bit ahead of us, six months later I am thankfully able to sit here and slowly resume some normalcy in our lives. 

Fair-Weather Friends OR Too Hard to Handle?

Fair-weather friend- 'A friend who is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable. A friend who only sticks by you when things are going well.'

 So that's the quick definition of a 'fair-weather' friend.  And I have found myself asking, do I have 'fair-weather friends, or is this too hard to handle for some of them?'

I  understand that people react to  difficult situations in varying ways.  I foolishly assumed (and you know where that leads) that if I found myself in a difficult situation that my friends would be there for me to count on, cry with and lean on.  Unfortunately that has not been the case during this illness and I am slowly realizing that things are not just black and white, but instead there's an entire array of different shades of gray. 

What I have found is that people, close friends and acquaintances have all reacted differently during my time of crisis, even my own family members. I've been hurt by the lack of response from close friends and family.  Initially their lack of reaction baffled me.  Not that I expected everyone to stop in at all times, but some sign that they were thinking of me and wishing me well would have been nice, but nothing.

 On the upside I have been AMAZED by the overwhelming support from others, including some whom I've never met. Once again, I do realize that people respond differently in time of need.  I believe that most  want to help and make themselves useful.   My husband, daughters and I have been blessed to be the recipients of that innate need to help our fellow human beings.  The meals to my family, the car pools, the  flowers and delicious baskets of fruits and snacks to brighten our days have all been wonderful gestures.  But so have the cards to let me know that someone is praying for me, the Facebook, text and phone messages ( although I may not have returned them all). The conversations to lift my spirits- Every way to let me know that someone was thinking about me and my family was deeply appreciated.

What has taken me months to realize is that people carry their own baggage when it comes to times like these. Past illnesses, fear of over stepping boundaries, feeling helpless, and just plain life 'getting in the way.'  For these and many other reasons people may at times stay at bay during times of need.  However, I can't help to wonder, is it too hard to handle, or do some people simply not want to get involved when there's a little too much 'baggage?'

 I've learn from these experiences that any way you can give of yourself helps.  Many times it's that one simple call that's made to say, "I'm here, I'm listening, I care" that has made all the difference.  

Sucker Punched

For lack of a better descriptor, I'd say, "I'm a tough cookie.'   Not that I am emotionally 'unavailable,' in fact, my daughters would say I cry for EVERYTHING (hmm I'm afraid that makes me sound like a big baby)  When I really need to, I can hold my own and everyone else that needs holding up. I have been through the death of my twin boys, who being born at 2 mos premature were only able to live shortly past birth.  I managed to make it through a divorce, a custody arrangement  and all the cr*p that comes with working that out.  I thought that after these two major life events there was very little that could shake me, until we got the first call...

We had continued on this health journey,  preparing  ourselves for the worse case scenario-you know, expect the worse, hope for the best. We waited for results which were 'unlikely' to be anything of concern.  In the meantime, James, my AMAZINGLY, smart and resourceful husband began his research...
IF it's thyroid cancer, how do we treat it? If it's breast cancer how do we treat it? What do we do about the liver, when do we start those treatments?  LOTS of research, LOTS of decisions  and LOTS to think about...


The day after the phone call, (yup we wasted no time) James and I met with my endocrinologist and were told that I had an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's disease, but in addition the pathology results were positive for thyroid cancer. She let it sink in, James held my hand and I remember feeling SUCKER PUNCHED!  I thought I was prepared for the worse. I was NOT prepared for  the 'C' word.  IMMEDIATELY I felt  the wheels spinning and in motion,  and we were on to the next phase. But the next phase was a multi-level phase; tell our family and friends, find a surgeon, and most importantly tell our two beautiful daughters that mom had cancer.


At this point we were 3 months into my 'journey' and I remained pretty strong.  I had my moments where I needed to vent, but for the most part I held my own. Until one day, while driving to one of my work meetings, I felt so very overwhelmed and pulled over to the side of the road and CRIED! On this particular morning I was contemplating so much;  How were we going to tell our daughters,  WHAT exactly were we going to  tell them and WHEN were we going to tell them. I cried for over 20 minutes (needless to say I was late for my meeting).  I could not stop thinking about my beautiful girls and the 'what ifs.' I wasn't questioning God, I wasn't angry, I was simply feeling completely unprepared, caught off guard, concerned for my daughters, my husband and once again...SUCKER PUNCHED. But it felt soooooo good to cry and let it all out. 

Domino Effect

For those of you who may have young children, this process often reminds me of the picture book by  Laura Joffe Numeroff ' If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.'  Why? In this children's book, you give a mouse a cookie, and then he asks for some milk.  The little mouse then asks for a straw, then a napkin. He then wants to look in the mirror (wants to make sure he doesn't have a milk mustache-Ha!).  Once he takes a look in the mirror, he notices he needs a hair trim and wants scissors...and on and on, get the picture?


Very much like this picture book, my own story has developed in an incidental manner, one event leading or unfolding the next. ANY cancer diagnosis would have been difficult to process by itself, but compounded with  evolving secondary and tertiary health concerns, it has been exceptionally challenging to digest.  Like the mouse who only wanted a cookie, I simply was looking to confirm some blood work.  Never did I imagine that in the months to follow I would be undergoing liver biopsies, liver ultrasounds, thyroid biopsies, thyroid ultrasounds, mammograms,  breast biopsies,  breast ultrasounds, MRIs, not to mention the countless vials of blood they have drawn from me.  AND it would be great to think that after having the different diagnosis that we could set plans of action, stick with them  and move on. THAT would have been easy! However,  as we come to each area of concern, we find that the process begins ALL OVER again. 


I am a typical New Yorker. I want things to move quickly and efficiently. Although there are multiple areas of concern, I was confident that we'd have a plan, tackle it accordingly and move swiftly  and efficiently. I knew that we had to start with one area, the most pressing one, and so  the thyroid was THE chosen one.  After having surgery to remove my thyroid, I was hopeful that  this would be it- out with the cancerous thyroid, problem solved- well not so fast.  Now we'd wait for the pathology results from the surgery, then see more doctors, wait for more tests, and reevaluate the situation.  This process is NOT in sync with my 'typical New Yorker' mentality.  I NEED to know what we are doing, and when.  This instead is feeding more into the 'If you give a 'mouse a cookie' effect.  Now, we wait  some more and in the mean time there's  more blood work, follow up tests, follow up appointments, and on and on,  and in the end it's all one big Domino Effect!

The Twilight Zone

'Welcome to the Twilight Zone.' I find myself using this phrase often, since that's exactly what I feel my life has become. Not to mention that it is also fitting since technology and I simply DO NOT MIX...so this first attempt at the world of 'blogging' is very much in the 'Twilight Zone.'

The past six months have been a whirlwind of doctor appointments, days off from work, frustrated conversations with our insurance company and medical tests of all sorts, (blood work, biopsy's, ultrasounds, etc...) all to get me to where I am now- a varied diagnosis of different illnesses...AKA the Twilight Zone.

And in the midst of this 'zone' I've somehow managed to keep some of my sanity.  I've tried to keep things 'business as usual.'  but that doesn't mean I haven't had my moments, BOY have I had my MOMENTS...

WHEN did I get here? HOW did I get here?  Doesn't really matter,  all I know is that I don't have time to be here and I want OUT! Nothing about me is the 'sit around and see what happens type.' I am not the 'Negative Nelly' of the bunch,  nor the 'wall flower', nor the 'damsel in distress' awaiting Prince Charming's rescue.  I am the take charge kind of girl,  the one who will take the bull by the horns if need be and this Cancer thing will be no different...