Sucker Punched

For lack of a better descriptor, I'd say, "I'm a tough cookie.'   Not that I am emotionally 'unavailable,' in fact, my daughters would say I cry for EVERYTHING (hmm I'm afraid that makes me sound like a big baby)  When I really need to, I can hold my own and everyone else that needs holding up. I have been through the death of my twin boys, who being born at 2 mos premature were only able to live shortly past birth.  I managed to make it through a divorce, a custody arrangement  and all the cr*p that comes with working that out.  I thought that after these two major life events there was very little that could shake me, until we got the first call...

We had continued on this health journey,  preparing  ourselves for the worse case scenario-you know, expect the worse, hope for the best. We waited for results which were 'unlikely' to be anything of concern.  In the meantime, James, my AMAZINGLY, smart and resourceful husband began his research...
IF it's thyroid cancer, how do we treat it? If it's breast cancer how do we treat it? What do we do about the liver, when do we start those treatments?  LOTS of research, LOTS of decisions  and LOTS to think about...


The day after the phone call, (yup we wasted no time) James and I met with my endocrinologist and were told that I had an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's disease, but in addition the pathology results were positive for thyroid cancer. She let it sink in, James held my hand and I remember feeling SUCKER PUNCHED!  I thought I was prepared for the worse. I was NOT prepared for  the 'C' word.  IMMEDIATELY I felt  the wheels spinning and in motion,  and we were on to the next phase. But the next phase was a multi-level phase; tell our family and friends, find a surgeon, and most importantly tell our two beautiful daughters that mom had cancer.


At this point we were 3 months into my 'journey' and I remained pretty strong.  I had my moments where I needed to vent, but for the most part I held my own. Until one day, while driving to one of my work meetings, I felt so very overwhelmed and pulled over to the side of the road and CRIED! On this particular morning I was contemplating so much;  How were we going to tell our daughters,  WHAT exactly were we going to  tell them and WHEN were we going to tell them. I cried for over 20 minutes (needless to say I was late for my meeting).  I could not stop thinking about my beautiful girls and the 'what ifs.' I wasn't questioning God, I wasn't angry, I was simply feeling completely unprepared, caught off guard, concerned for my daughters, my husband and once again...SUCKER PUNCHED. But it felt soooooo good to cry and let it all out.