2 years. That's how long we've been going through this process. April 2011 started it all. It's a little hard to believe that this is how long we've been 'in this,' but in reality it's just a 'blink' in time right???
Any major health diagnosis will bring with it timelines and plans of actions. From the very beginning, my husband and I had a 'plan of action.' Our major concern was IF & HOW treatments, appointments, restrictions were going to affect our life. We were very concerned about TIME. How long will all this take? When will we have answers? How would we be able to go about our daily lives/routines.
I had NO plans whatsoever to let cancer or liver disease keep me from my everyday life. I planned to continue to work full time, continue my volunteer activities, continue to run, continue to be a mom, wife, sister, friend... I was NOT going to let this take TIME AWAY from me. I did not have TIME for cancer or any other illness!
Well sometimes what we think, what we want, what we plan, is not necessarily what unfolds before us.
The first 6 months weren't TERRIBLE. We were able to keep life pretty normal. Life kept its regular pace. We were still in the process of getting answers and gathering information and life as we knew it seemed to go on. The biggest change for me was how RIDICULOUSLY busy I had become. In addition to my home life, work, running and volunteering, I was now spending countless hours on the phone with doctors, our insurance company and at appointments. But nonetheless I thought it was OK, because I was able to do it all and I somehow found the TIME to get it all done.
Once surgery and treatments began, TIME as I knew it ceased to exist. I was afraid, frustrated and ANNOYED. I really didn't have TIME for this crap. I was afraid that I wouldn't have the energy to take care of my family- cook, clean, drive them arounds, help with HW, errands, etc. I was frustrated that my energy levels were so low, that walking from one room to the next totally exhausted me, that I couldn't have a conversation over the phone because I was completely winded. AND I was ANNOYED. Annoyed that I had to take TIME out of my life to deal with all this health CRAP!
But 2 years later I realize that the time I 'had to take out' was in a crazy way some of the BEST time I've had. Yes, it SUCKS that it has taken a major health issue to make me slow down, but in the midst of it all, although unknowingly at the time, I made the BEST of THAT TIME. Initially, I was a little resentful and thought that I was losing time. I had to sit around and take it easy. There were weeks, months when my immune system was so low that we had to be be extra careful with my exposure to other people. Other times, it was simply the fact that I was too weak or sick to be out and about. The nausea, and headaches were terrible. ANY and ALL smells seemed to make the nausea that much worse. Not to mention that I became dehydrated several times and trying to go on with life with an ivy attached was not the easiest thing.
I missed major milestones in the lives of close friends and family. Christenings, Brisks, Baby Showers, Birthdays, Graduations...But I didn't really have an option. The risks were far too great.
So what did I DO??? Initially, NOTHING! I couldn't read, couldn't listen to music ( found it too stimulating) couldn't take walks, could barely leave my bed or the couch. I just PRAYED!!! I prayed for comfort, prayed for relief, prayed for strength- not just for myself but for my family- Oh the power of Prayer!!! I meditated and focused on feeling well. I needed that time to pray and reflect. It helped to build my Faith and my Positive outlook.
Once I started to feel physically stronger, I was able to sit and spend more time with my family. The amount of time we have spent talking and laughing has helped rebuild my body, and spirit. Laughter is the best medicine after all!!! I have had the luxury to just SIT and talk to my daughters without feeling rushed because I have to run errands, cook dinner, drive them around or go to work. The 4 of us have sat for hours at a time and just TALKED. I always felt that as a family we had a pretty good relationship and communicated well, but after the past year our family is so much stronger. Our daughters are learning that in our family communication, laughter, team work and compassion will help get us through so many of lives challenges. Eventually, as I got stronger and the side effects of all the chemo and treatments subsided, I craved intellectual stimulation. I READ!!! I have read more in the past year than I can remember. Both my daughters are avid readers and they loved sharing with me the books they were reading, one more way we grew closer.
Then Super Storm Sandy Hit. People were affected in such terrible ways and I can't even imagine their losses. We were amongst the lucky ones. We lost power, but were safe, as was our house. But no power was a bit of an issue since all of my medications need to be refrigerated. Power, fuel, food and refrigeration were a commodity in our area. Hotels were booked, our family/friends were in similar situations...so we went to Maine. We booked a cabin that allowed pets (we have 2 cats and a dog) and drove 11 hours to The Forks, Maine... Population 30. It was AWESOME!!! We did nothing but played board games, take scenic drives and on days when I was up for it go on walks. Perfect!!!
When I started experiencing the side effects of these treatments, I was annoyed. I didn't want them, I didn't want anything to hold me back or change my life or my routines. But I realize now that, had I not been as sick as I was, and experienced EVERY POSSIBLE side effect, I would not have had the TIME to grow in the manner in which I have. Being so physically ill allowed me to take the TIME to grow spiritually, and emotionally. The time that I took and continue to take to reflect and meditate has helped me realize that I NEEDED this TIME to FULLY HEAL. Being so physically ill, allowed me to take the TIME to grow spiritually, and emotionally.
The TIME that I was given to just sit and talk with my girls and my husband is time that I will cherish for always and hope that they will too. The TIME that we have spent as a family, has helped strengthened us and reassure that together we can face anything. I made the best of this TIME. Although, I could have done without the Cancer and health issues, I am so thankful for the person I have evolved into during this TIME. I have learned so much, and my perspective on life has changed drastically. I would like to think that I made the best of this time :)
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