A Year Later...

As is often the case, I start an entry and for one reason or another I don't finish it. I started this entry shortly after the 1 year anniversary of my surgery (back in February) but here I am just wrapping it up.

As the 1 year post-op appointment drew closer, I became a little nervous to hear what my surgeon had to say.  I anticipated that all would be well.  However, there was this one little thing bugging me...a nodule which I had found on my neck.  I must admit, as positive as I am, I have become just a tad bit hyper vigilant when it comes to changes in my body, health, eating habits, etc ( to say the least).  I found this nodule BECAUSE I am constantly feeling my neck and Thyroid bed area.  But I decided I was not going to worry until I had reason to :)

Aside from being eager to get answers in regards to this nodule, I was also looking forward to seeing my surgeon...he's quite handsome! Hey, I have to find the positive in every situation.  He reminds me of Liam Neeson, the Irish actor. Not just does he resemble him in looks, but he also has the accent.  So at the very least, I would focus on that little fun fact while trying to listen to what he said.

The anticipation of the past year was summed up into this ONE appointment.  The surgery, the treatment, the side effects (and I've had just about every possible one), the constant medication adjustments, the many doctor appointments, etc... it all came down to this follow up, did it work? ( and of course we were only dealing with the Thyroid Cancer at the moment)
'Everything looks good, but there seems to be a small nodule over on this side,' came the words from my very good looking doctor. I shared with him, that I had felt the nodule myself.  His recommendation: an ultrasound of the neck, and blood work- both of which were part of the plan PRIOR to finding the nodule.  He specifically stated that NOW we would be looking to see what the tumor markers showed.  And in my head I thought...'CRAP, here we go again.'

Since that appointment, I have had the ultrasound and the follow up blood work.  The ultrasound confirmed that there is an abnormal growth in the Thyroid bed, but the blood work shows the tumor markers to be undetectable.  What does this mean? Well... it means that once again there is an abnormal growth, BUT the tumor marker does not reflect an elevated count. So what do we do now? We do what we have gotten so good at... we watch and we wait and I look forward to seeing my handsome surgeon soon :)

You Never Know...

You Never Know... Those 3 words can mean different things to different people.

You Never Know...what will happen in the future?
You Never Know...what will tomorrow bring?
You Never Know...what does life has in store for you?
You Never Know...why do things happen the way they do?

But I don't question life in this way.  I don't question God, the Universe or any other Higher Power. After all of my health issues, and my more than 'colorful' life experiences,  I STRONGLY believe that EVERYTHING that happens in life, does so for a reason.  One thing leads to another. There are  those events which some may view as negative,  yet I simply see them as just a part of life, to shape you into the person that you are.    I try to live life one day at a time and be PRESENT. The more present I am, the happier I am, and that's something that I may not have always known, but which I do know NOW.  I also know that when you are faced with challenges:


You Never Know...the strength you have
You Never Know... the friends you have
You Never Know...how much you're missed
You Never Know...all that you'll learn
You Never Know...how much you can teach
You Never Know...the impact you make


You Just Never Know AND then you surprise yourself, just like I've surprised myself :)

The Escalator...

This week marked my 32nd week of treatment.  These past 7 months have consisted of weekly doctor appointments, both local and into the city.  The local ones haven't been too bad, specially once I was able to drive myself there. The ones into the city have been a totally different story, in specific the ones involving the ESCALATOR!!!

You might ask yourself what is the Escalator??? Well for my fellow New Yorkers, the Escalator I speak of is the escalator at the  59th St. and Lexington Ave station of the E train, YOU know the one I mean!

As some of you know, I consider myself to be quite active. I run as often as I can and as long as I can.  I swim, I bike, I play with my girls whatever they drag me of to. For mother's day I even asked for a set of Golf Clubs, never too old to try something new (and now we have a new dog so I am as active as I can possibly be, considering my current health situation).  So needless to say, I ALWAYS take the stairs when I have a choice and if there's only an escalator I walk up the escalator... I KNOW it drives my husband crazy!

THIS particular escalator is STEEP, but I climb it each time I am at that station, that's if I'm not running up the stairs. Last February, after my surgery, my husband and I were on our way to Memorial Sloan for my 1st post surgery appointment.  Well, old habits die hard and I automatically started to walk up the escalator. THAT was NOT a good idea.  I could barely take several steps at a time without taking a break.  I had to 'pull over' to the right side of the escalator and not walk up.  I felt dizzy,  nauseous, and winded.  When we got to the top, I couldn't even walk, I had to step aside.  At that point it wasn't even about the physical inability of climbing the escalator, I was about to have an emotional breakdown.

I was completely overwhelmed by this escalator.  At that moment, it was not about the fact that I had cancer, that I just had surgery, that I was recuperating, that my levels were off, it was about this RIDICULOUS ESCALATOR BEATING ME!!!

My wonderful husband, TRIED to talk sense into me, but at that moment it just was not happening...he just hugged me and when I was ready to start walking again, he walked slowly by my side, holding my hand.

The feeling of complete hopelessness was more than I could stand and I decided then and there that at  the NEXT appointment I was going to walk up those escalators!  This moment was difficult for so many reasons, but mostly because never did I expect that I would not be able to climb theses escalators.  I later realized that it wasn't just about climbing the escalators, but all the other challenges that I was about to face. In my never ending positive outlook on life, I never once thought that Cancer, nor chemo, nor surgery were going to derail me from my everyday routine. This escalator experience was a bit of a wake up call.  I realized that day that I had quite a journey ahead of me, not just a physical one, but an emotional one as well. Life as I knew it, was about to change.

Since last February, I've had many appointments and  many opportunities to walk up those escalators. Although I have been able to walk up the escalator each time since then,  I haven't been able to run YET, but I know that's coming.

I have learned many lessons during the past 18 months, but two that resonate the most are, I am stronger than I ever thought I was,  and I don't give up easily. In a few weeks I have another appointment at Sloan and I will RUN up that ESCALATOR :)

Not a bump in the road, more like a DETOUR!

The last time I tried to generate an entry was back in late May.  I was scheduled to start chemo in just over a  week and I was anxious to get started, but feeling VERY hopeful, positive, and optimistic.  I put it off thinking, 'I'll do it later this week.' As you can see that turned into a little over 6 months!

My doctors had advised that this treatment was going to be intense because of the different concerns we were addressing...the cancer, liver disease and thyroid issues. But nonetheless, I was my happy go lucky, all will be well self. After having had the challenges of surgery in January and radiation in April, I thought that things couldn't really get any worse. 

My plan was to begin treatment and continue with life as usual. I am a mother of 2, wife, we have pets, I am a runner, I am a sister, a daughter, a friend. I work full time at a position that requires me to drive often and make home visits, I didn't have plans to put my life on hold. I was eager to get started with treatment.  In my opinion the sooner we started, the sooner we'd get it over with. But sometimes life has plans of its own...

The past six months have been like no other time in my life.  The physical and emotional challenges that my family and I have been through can only be understood by those who have experienced similar situations. At times I think back and cant' believe what we have been able to endure. Although, we still have quite a bit ahead of us, six months later I am thankfully able to sit here and slowly resume some normalcy in our lives. 

Fair-Weather Friends OR Too Hard to Handle?

Fair-weather friend- 'A friend who is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable. A friend who only sticks by you when things are going well.'

 So that's the quick definition of a 'fair-weather' friend.  And I have found myself asking, do I have 'fair-weather friends, or is this too hard to handle for some of them?'

I  understand that people react to  difficult situations in varying ways.  I foolishly assumed (and you know where that leads) that if I found myself in a difficult situation that my friends would be there for me to count on, cry with and lean on.  Unfortunately that has not been the case during this illness and I am slowly realizing that things are not just black and white, but instead there's an entire array of different shades of gray. 

What I have found is that people, close friends and acquaintances have all reacted differently during my time of crisis, even my own family members. I've been hurt by the lack of response from close friends and family.  Initially their lack of reaction baffled me.  Not that I expected everyone to stop in at all times, but some sign that they were thinking of me and wishing me well would have been nice, but nothing.

 On the upside I have been AMAZED by the overwhelming support from others, including some whom I've never met. Once again, I do realize that people respond differently in time of need.  I believe that most  want to help and make themselves useful.   My husband, daughters and I have been blessed to be the recipients of that innate need to help our fellow human beings.  The meals to my family, the car pools, the  flowers and delicious baskets of fruits and snacks to brighten our days have all been wonderful gestures.  But so have the cards to let me know that someone is praying for me, the Facebook, text and phone messages ( although I may not have returned them all). The conversations to lift my spirits- Every way to let me know that someone was thinking about me and my family was deeply appreciated.

What has taken me months to realize is that people carry their own baggage when it comes to times like these. Past illnesses, fear of over stepping boundaries, feeling helpless, and just plain life 'getting in the way.'  For these and many other reasons people may at times stay at bay during times of need.  However, I can't help to wonder, is it too hard to handle, or do some people simply not want to get involved when there's a little too much 'baggage?'

 I've learn from these experiences that any way you can give of yourself helps.  Many times it's that one simple call that's made to say, "I'm here, I'm listening, I care" that has made all the difference.  

Sucker Punched

For lack of a better descriptor, I'd say, "I'm a tough cookie.'   Not that I am emotionally 'unavailable,' in fact, my daughters would say I cry for EVERYTHING (hmm I'm afraid that makes me sound like a big baby)  When I really need to, I can hold my own and everyone else that needs holding up. I have been through the death of my twin boys, who being born at 2 mos premature were only able to live shortly past birth.  I managed to make it through a divorce, a custody arrangement  and all the cr*p that comes with working that out.  I thought that after these two major life events there was very little that could shake me, until we got the first call...

We had continued on this health journey,  preparing  ourselves for the worse case scenario-you know, expect the worse, hope for the best. We waited for results which were 'unlikely' to be anything of concern.  In the meantime, James, my AMAZINGLY, smart and resourceful husband began his research...
IF it's thyroid cancer, how do we treat it? If it's breast cancer how do we treat it? What do we do about the liver, when do we start those treatments?  LOTS of research, LOTS of decisions  and LOTS to think about...


The day after the phone call, (yup we wasted no time) James and I met with my endocrinologist and were told that I had an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's disease, but in addition the pathology results were positive for thyroid cancer. She let it sink in, James held my hand and I remember feeling SUCKER PUNCHED!  I thought I was prepared for the worse. I was NOT prepared for  the 'C' word.  IMMEDIATELY I felt  the wheels spinning and in motion,  and we were on to the next phase. But the next phase was a multi-level phase; tell our family and friends, find a surgeon, and most importantly tell our two beautiful daughters that mom had cancer.


At this point we were 3 months into my 'journey' and I remained pretty strong.  I had my moments where I needed to vent, but for the most part I held my own. Until one day, while driving to one of my work meetings, I felt so very overwhelmed and pulled over to the side of the road and CRIED! On this particular morning I was contemplating so much;  How were we going to tell our daughters,  WHAT exactly were we going to  tell them and WHEN were we going to tell them. I cried for over 20 minutes (needless to say I was late for my meeting).  I could not stop thinking about my beautiful girls and the 'what ifs.' I wasn't questioning God, I wasn't angry, I was simply feeling completely unprepared, caught off guard, concerned for my daughters, my husband and once again...SUCKER PUNCHED. But it felt soooooo good to cry and let it all out. 

Domino Effect

For those of you who may have young children, this process often reminds me of the picture book by  Laura Joffe Numeroff ' If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.'  Why? In this children's book, you give a mouse a cookie, and then he asks for some milk.  The little mouse then asks for a straw, then a napkin. He then wants to look in the mirror (wants to make sure he doesn't have a milk mustache-Ha!).  Once he takes a look in the mirror, he notices he needs a hair trim and wants scissors...and on and on, get the picture?


Very much like this picture book, my own story has developed in an incidental manner, one event leading or unfolding the next. ANY cancer diagnosis would have been difficult to process by itself, but compounded with  evolving secondary and tertiary health concerns, it has been exceptionally challenging to digest.  Like the mouse who only wanted a cookie, I simply was looking to confirm some blood work.  Never did I imagine that in the months to follow I would be undergoing liver biopsies, liver ultrasounds, thyroid biopsies, thyroid ultrasounds, mammograms,  breast biopsies,  breast ultrasounds, MRIs, not to mention the countless vials of blood they have drawn from me.  AND it would be great to think that after having the different diagnosis that we could set plans of action, stick with them  and move on. THAT would have been easy! However,  as we come to each area of concern, we find that the process begins ALL OVER again. 


I am a typical New Yorker. I want things to move quickly and efficiently. Although there are multiple areas of concern, I was confident that we'd have a plan, tackle it accordingly and move swiftly  and efficiently. I knew that we had to start with one area, the most pressing one, and so  the thyroid was THE chosen one.  After having surgery to remove my thyroid, I was hopeful that  this would be it- out with the cancerous thyroid, problem solved- well not so fast.  Now we'd wait for the pathology results from the surgery, then see more doctors, wait for more tests, and reevaluate the situation.  This process is NOT in sync with my 'typical New Yorker' mentality.  I NEED to know what we are doing, and when.  This instead is feeding more into the 'If you give a 'mouse a cookie' effect.  Now, we wait  some more and in the mean time there's  more blood work, follow up tests, follow up appointments, and on and on,  and in the end it's all one big Domino Effect!