Time... it's what you make of it :)

2 years. That's how long we've been going through this process. April 2011 started it all. It's a little hard to believe that this is how long we've been 'in this,' but in reality it's just a 'blink' in time right???

Any major health diagnosis will bring with it timelines and plans of actions.  From the very beginning, my husband and I had a 'plan of action.'  Our major concern was IF & HOW treatments, appointments, restrictions were going to affect our life.  We were very concerned about TIME.  How long will all this take? When will we have answers? How would we be able to go about our daily lives/routines.

I had NO plans whatsoever to let cancer or liver disease keep me from my everyday life.  I planned to continue to work full time, continue my volunteer activities, continue to run, continue to be a mom, wife, sister, friend... I was NOT going to let this take TIME AWAY from me.  I did not have TIME for cancer or any other illness!

Well sometimes what we think, what we want, what we plan, is not necessarily what unfolds before us.
The first 6 months weren't TERRIBLE.  We were able to keep life pretty normal. Life kept its regular pace.  We were still in the process of getting answers and gathering information and life as we knew it seemed to go on.  The biggest change for me was how RIDICULOUSLY busy I had become.  In addition to my home life, work, running and volunteering, I was now spending countless hours on the phone with doctors, our insurance company and at appointments.  But nonetheless I thought it was OK, because I was able to  do it all and I somehow found the TIME to get it all done.

Once surgery and treatments began, TIME as I knew it ceased to exist.  I was afraid, frustrated and ANNOYED.  I really didn't have TIME for this crap.  I was afraid that I wouldn't have the energy to take care of my family- cook, clean, drive them arounds, help with HW, errands, etc.  I was frustrated that my energy levels were so low, that walking from one room to the next totally exhausted me, that I couldn't have a conversation over the phone because I was completely winded.  AND I was ANNOYED.  Annoyed that I had to take TIME out of my life to deal with all this health CRAP!

But 2 years later I realize that the time I 'had to take out' was in a crazy way some of the BEST time I've had.  Yes, it SUCKS that it has taken a major health issue to make me slow down, but in the midst of it all, although unknowingly at the time, I made the BEST of THAT TIME.  Initially, I was a little resentful and thought that I was losing time.  I had to sit around and take it easy.  There were weeks, months when my immune system was so low that we had to be be extra careful with my exposure to other people.  Other times, it was simply the fact that I was too weak or sick to be out and about.  The nausea, and headaches were terrible. ANY and ALL smells seemed to make the nausea that much worse.  Not to mention that I became dehydrated several times and trying to go on with life with an ivy attached was not the easiest thing.

I missed major milestones in the lives of close friends and family.  Christenings, Brisks, Baby Showers,  Birthdays, Graduations...But I didn't really have an option.  The risks were far too great.

So what did I DO??? Initially,  NOTHING! I couldn't read, couldn't listen to music ( found it too stimulating) couldn't take walks, could barely leave my bed or the couch.  I just PRAYED!!!  I prayed for comfort, prayed for relief, prayed for strength- not just for myself but for my family- Oh the power of Prayer!!!  I meditated and focused on feeling well.  I needed that time to pray and reflect.  It helped to build my Faith and my Positive outlook.

 Once I started to feel physically stronger, I was able to sit and spend more time with my family.  The amount of time we have spent talking and laughing has helped rebuild my body, and spirit.  Laughter is the best medicine after all!!!  I have had the luxury to just SIT and talk to my daughters without feeling rushed because I have to run errands, cook dinner, drive them around or go to work.  The 4 of us have sat for hours at a time and just TALKED. I always felt that as a family we had a pretty good relationship and communicated well, but after the past year our family is so much stronger. Our daughters are learning that in our family communication, laughter, team work and compassion will help get us through so many of lives challenges.  Eventually, as I got stronger and the side effects of all the chemo and treatments subsided, I craved intellectual stimulation.  I READ!!! I have read more in the past year than I can remember.  Both my daughters are avid readers and they loved sharing with me the books they were reading, one more way we grew closer.


Then Super Storm Sandy Hit.  People were affected in such terrible ways and I can't even imagine their losses.  We were amongst the lucky ones.  We lost power, but were safe, as was our house.  But no power was a bit of an issue since all of my medications need to be refrigerated.  Power, fuel, food and refrigeration were a commodity in our area. Hotels were booked, our family/friends  were in similar situations...so we went to Maine.  We booked a cabin that allowed pets (we have 2 cats and a dog) and drove 11 hours to The Forks, Maine... Population 30.  It was AWESOME!!!  We did nothing but played board games, take scenic drives and on days when I was up for it go on walks.  Perfect!!!

When I started experiencing the side effects of these treatments, I was annoyed.  I didn't want them, I didn't want anything to hold me back or change my life or my routines.  But I realize now that, had  I not been as sick as I was, and experienced EVERY POSSIBLE side effect, I would not have had the TIME to grow in the manner in which I have. Being so physically ill allowed me to take the TIME to grow spiritually, and emotionally. The time that I took and continue to take to reflect and meditate has helped me realize that I NEEDED this TIME to FULLY HEAL.    Being so physically ill, allowed me to take the TIME to grow spiritually, and emotionally.

The TIME that I was given to just sit and talk with my girls and my husband is time that I will cherish for always and hope that they will too.  The TIME that we have spent as a family, has helped strengthened us and reassure that together we can face anything.  I made the best of this TIME.  Although, I could have done without the Cancer and health issues, I am so thankful for the person I have evolved into during this TIME. I have learned so much, and my perspective on life has changed drastically.  I would like to think that I made the best of this time :)

A Year Later...

As is often the case, I start an entry and for one reason or another I don't finish it. I started this entry shortly after the 1 year anniversary of my surgery (back in February) but here I am just wrapping it up.

As the 1 year post-op appointment drew closer, I became a little nervous to hear what my surgeon had to say.  I anticipated that all would be well.  However, there was this one little thing bugging me...a nodule which I had found on my neck.  I must admit, as positive as I am, I have become just a tad bit hyper vigilant when it comes to changes in my body, health, eating habits, etc ( to say the least).  I found this nodule BECAUSE I am constantly feeling my neck and Thyroid bed area.  But I decided I was not going to worry until I had reason to :)

Aside from being eager to get answers in regards to this nodule, I was also looking forward to seeing my surgeon...he's quite handsome! Hey, I have to find the positive in every situation.  He reminds me of Liam Neeson, the Irish actor. Not just does he resemble him in looks, but he also has the accent.  So at the very least, I would focus on that little fun fact while trying to listen to what he said.

The anticipation of the past year was summed up into this ONE appointment.  The surgery, the treatment, the side effects (and I've had just about every possible one), the constant medication adjustments, the many doctor appointments, etc... it all came down to this follow up, did it work? ( and of course we were only dealing with the Thyroid Cancer at the moment)
'Everything looks good, but there seems to be a small nodule over on this side,' came the words from my very good looking doctor. I shared with him, that I had felt the nodule myself.  His recommendation: an ultrasound of the neck, and blood work- both of which were part of the plan PRIOR to finding the nodule.  He specifically stated that NOW we would be looking to see what the tumor markers showed.  And in my head I thought...'CRAP, here we go again.'

Since that appointment, I have had the ultrasound and the follow up blood work.  The ultrasound confirmed that there is an abnormal growth in the Thyroid bed, but the blood work shows the tumor markers to be undetectable.  What does this mean? Well... it means that once again there is an abnormal growth, BUT the tumor marker does not reflect an elevated count. So what do we do now? We do what we have gotten so good at... we watch and we wait and I look forward to seeing my handsome surgeon soon :)

You Never Know...

You Never Know... Those 3 words can mean different things to different people.

You Never Know...what will happen in the future?
You Never Know...what will tomorrow bring?
You Never Know...what does life has in store for you?
You Never Know...why do things happen the way they do?

But I don't question life in this way.  I don't question God, the Universe or any other Higher Power. After all of my health issues, and my more than 'colorful' life experiences,  I STRONGLY believe that EVERYTHING that happens in life, does so for a reason.  One thing leads to another. There are  those events which some may view as negative,  yet I simply see them as just a part of life, to shape you into the person that you are.    I try to live life one day at a time and be PRESENT. The more present I am, the happier I am, and that's something that I may not have always known, but which I do know NOW.  I also know that when you are faced with challenges:


You Never Know...the strength you have
You Never Know... the friends you have
You Never Know...how much you're missed
You Never Know...all that you'll learn
You Never Know...how much you can teach
You Never Know...the impact you make


You Just Never Know AND then you surprise yourself, just like I've surprised myself :)

The Escalator...

This week marked my 32nd week of treatment.  These past 7 months have consisted of weekly doctor appointments, both local and into the city.  The local ones haven't been too bad, specially once I was able to drive myself there. The ones into the city have been a totally different story, in specific the ones involving the ESCALATOR!!!

You might ask yourself what is the Escalator??? Well for my fellow New Yorkers, the Escalator I speak of is the escalator at the  59th St. and Lexington Ave station of the E train, YOU know the one I mean!

As some of you know, I consider myself to be quite active. I run as often as I can and as long as I can.  I swim, I bike, I play with my girls whatever they drag me of to. For mother's day I even asked for a set of Golf Clubs, never too old to try something new (and now we have a new dog so I am as active as I can possibly be, considering my current health situation).  So needless to say, I ALWAYS take the stairs when I have a choice and if there's only an escalator I walk up the escalator... I KNOW it drives my husband crazy!

THIS particular escalator is STEEP, but I climb it each time I am at that station, that's if I'm not running up the stairs. Last February, after my surgery, my husband and I were on our way to Memorial Sloan for my 1st post surgery appointment.  Well, old habits die hard and I automatically started to walk up the escalator. THAT was NOT a good idea.  I could barely take several steps at a time without taking a break.  I had to 'pull over' to the right side of the escalator and not walk up.  I felt dizzy,  nauseous, and winded.  When we got to the top, I couldn't even walk, I had to step aside.  At that point it wasn't even about the physical inability of climbing the escalator, I was about to have an emotional breakdown.

I was completely overwhelmed by this escalator.  At that moment, it was not about the fact that I had cancer, that I just had surgery, that I was recuperating, that my levels were off, it was about this RIDICULOUS ESCALATOR BEATING ME!!!

My wonderful husband, TRIED to talk sense into me, but at that moment it just was not happening...he just hugged me and when I was ready to start walking again, he walked slowly by my side, holding my hand.

The feeling of complete hopelessness was more than I could stand and I decided then and there that at  the NEXT appointment I was going to walk up those escalators!  This moment was difficult for so many reasons, but mostly because never did I expect that I would not be able to climb theses escalators.  I later realized that it wasn't just about climbing the escalators, but all the other challenges that I was about to face. In my never ending positive outlook on life, I never once thought that Cancer, nor chemo, nor surgery were going to derail me from my everyday routine. This escalator experience was a bit of a wake up call.  I realized that day that I had quite a journey ahead of me, not just a physical one, but an emotional one as well. Life as I knew it, was about to change.

Since last February, I've had many appointments and  many opportunities to walk up those escalators. Although I have been able to walk up the escalator each time since then,  I haven't been able to run YET, but I know that's coming.

I have learned many lessons during the past 18 months, but two that resonate the most are, I am stronger than I ever thought I was,  and I don't give up easily. In a few weeks I have another appointment at Sloan and I will RUN up that ESCALATOR :)

Not a bump in the road, more like a DETOUR!

The last time I tried to generate an entry was back in late May.  I was scheduled to start chemo in just over a  week and I was anxious to get started, but feeling VERY hopeful, positive, and optimistic.  I put it off thinking, 'I'll do it later this week.' As you can see that turned into a little over 6 months!

My doctors had advised that this treatment was going to be intense because of the different concerns we were addressing...the cancer, liver disease and thyroid issues. But nonetheless, I was my happy go lucky, all will be well self. After having had the challenges of surgery in January and radiation in April, I thought that things couldn't really get any worse. 

My plan was to begin treatment and continue with life as usual. I am a mother of 2, wife, we have pets, I am a runner, I am a sister, a daughter, a friend. I work full time at a position that requires me to drive often and make home visits, I didn't have plans to put my life on hold. I was eager to get started with treatment.  In my opinion the sooner we started, the sooner we'd get it over with. But sometimes life has plans of its own...

The past six months have been like no other time in my life.  The physical and emotional challenges that my family and I have been through can only be understood by those who have experienced similar situations. At times I think back and cant' believe what we have been able to endure. Although, we still have quite a bit ahead of us, six months later I am thankfully able to sit here and slowly resume some normalcy in our lives. 

Fair-Weather Friends OR Too Hard to Handle?

Fair-weather friend- 'A friend who is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable. A friend who only sticks by you when things are going well.'

 So that's the quick definition of a 'fair-weather' friend.  And I have found myself asking, do I have 'fair-weather friends, or is this too hard to handle for some of them?'

I  understand that people react to  difficult situations in varying ways.  I foolishly assumed (and you know where that leads) that if I found myself in a difficult situation that my friends would be there for me to count on, cry with and lean on.  Unfortunately that has not been the case during this illness and I am slowly realizing that things are not just black and white, but instead there's an entire array of different shades of gray. 

What I have found is that people, close friends and acquaintances have all reacted differently during my time of crisis, even my own family members. I've been hurt by the lack of response from close friends and family.  Initially their lack of reaction baffled me.  Not that I expected everyone to stop in at all times, but some sign that they were thinking of me and wishing me well would have been nice, but nothing.

 On the upside I have been AMAZED by the overwhelming support from others, including some whom I've never met. Once again, I do realize that people respond differently in time of need.  I believe that most  want to help and make themselves useful.   My husband, daughters and I have been blessed to be the recipients of that innate need to help our fellow human beings.  The meals to my family, the car pools, the  flowers and delicious baskets of fruits and snacks to brighten our days have all been wonderful gestures.  But so have the cards to let me know that someone is praying for me, the Facebook, text and phone messages ( although I may not have returned them all). The conversations to lift my spirits- Every way to let me know that someone was thinking about me and my family was deeply appreciated.

What has taken me months to realize is that people carry their own baggage when it comes to times like these. Past illnesses, fear of over stepping boundaries, feeling helpless, and just plain life 'getting in the way.'  For these and many other reasons people may at times stay at bay during times of need.  However, I can't help to wonder, is it too hard to handle, or do some people simply not want to get involved when there's a little too much 'baggage?'

 I've learn from these experiences that any way you can give of yourself helps.  Many times it's that one simple call that's made to say, "I'm here, I'm listening, I care" that has made all the difference.  

Sucker Punched

For lack of a better descriptor, I'd say, "I'm a tough cookie.'   Not that I am emotionally 'unavailable,' in fact, my daughters would say I cry for EVERYTHING (hmm I'm afraid that makes me sound like a big baby)  When I really need to, I can hold my own and everyone else that needs holding up. I have been through the death of my twin boys, who being born at 2 mos premature were only able to live shortly past birth.  I managed to make it through a divorce, a custody arrangement  and all the cr*p that comes with working that out.  I thought that after these two major life events there was very little that could shake me, until we got the first call...

We had continued on this health journey,  preparing  ourselves for the worse case scenario-you know, expect the worse, hope for the best. We waited for results which were 'unlikely' to be anything of concern.  In the meantime, James, my AMAZINGLY, smart and resourceful husband began his research...
IF it's thyroid cancer, how do we treat it? If it's breast cancer how do we treat it? What do we do about the liver, when do we start those treatments?  LOTS of research, LOTS of decisions  and LOTS to think about...


The day after the phone call, (yup we wasted no time) James and I met with my endocrinologist and were told that I had an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's disease, but in addition the pathology results were positive for thyroid cancer. She let it sink in, James held my hand and I remember feeling SUCKER PUNCHED!  I thought I was prepared for the worse. I was NOT prepared for  the 'C' word.  IMMEDIATELY I felt  the wheels spinning and in motion,  and we were on to the next phase. But the next phase was a multi-level phase; tell our family and friends, find a surgeon, and most importantly tell our two beautiful daughters that mom had cancer.


At this point we were 3 months into my 'journey' and I remained pretty strong.  I had my moments where I needed to vent, but for the most part I held my own. Until one day, while driving to one of my work meetings, I felt so very overwhelmed and pulled over to the side of the road and CRIED! On this particular morning I was contemplating so much;  How were we going to tell our daughters,  WHAT exactly were we going to  tell them and WHEN were we going to tell them. I cried for over 20 minutes (needless to say I was late for my meeting).  I could not stop thinking about my beautiful girls and the 'what ifs.' I wasn't questioning God, I wasn't angry, I was simply feeling completely unprepared, caught off guard, concerned for my daughters, my husband and once again...SUCKER PUNCHED. But it felt soooooo good to cry and let it all out.